People have been coming to me for their “anger problem” for years, stating that they need to stop getting angry. Ironically, in almost all cases, these individuals did not get angry enough! That is to say, they didn’t get angry often enough.
People who get angry are typically helpful to others, generous and tolerant. The problem is that they tolerate too much, give too much, and do not set and/or negotiate reasonable limits. This pattern of behavior creates a backlog of resentments and one day, the dam breaks. Then, there is an explosion of anger, which is disproportionate to that particular day’s situation. Frightened and concerned observers quickly identify this display of emotion as an “anger problem”. These same observers recommend that the individual in question learn to control their anger. They may also remark to them that, “this is just not like you”. Naturally, the individual with the “anger problem” realizes that their behavior was unproductive so they double their efforts to control their anger, becoming even more tolerant and giving even more and complaining less to try to avoid another explosion. It may take longer for the next explosion to occur, but this time, it’s even bigger. The cycle can go on and on before someone seeks help. By the time the individual does seek help, they are conditioned to avoid their anger.
Everyone around them continues to reinforce the suppression of their anger. They might say things like “don’t let it bother you” or “just let it go”. These people are really trying to help out, but what is needed is training in expressing anger, promptly, proportionally, and accurately. Anger and its lower grade versions of disagreement and assertion are effective means by which to work out a mutually agreeable plan with someone. When we are confronted with injustice, anger maybe be the proportionate response, but limit setting, and the identification of our own needs, are all that is usually required to avoid periodic build-ups of resentment. However, once we have gotten into the habit of “chronic sacrifice”, always trying to avoid being unfair by doing or tolerating too much, it is a difficult behavior to change. We can get compulsive about always being the “selfless one”. This pattern can protect us from feeling guilty but can also slowly increase our anger and resentment. So, aim for the bull’s-eye. Sometimes you might ask a bit too much, and other times give too much, but at least on average, you will be close to fair.